A few weeks ago I was talking to a lady at work, a person whom I hardly know, and out of the blue she said;
“I think you may be depressed.”
Now my initial reaction was; who does she think she is? My second thought was; when did I become so transparent?
I’ve been in a sort of dark decline these last few years. I’m not sure why I decided to keep up paying for this blog. Perhaps because I had hopes to once again use it.
I remember feeling fairly content back then, when I used to post thoughts and projects and moments with my family. I was creative and open-minded, not bitter and cold.
I’m frightened that if I don’t make a significant effort to change the path I’m on I may never feel that way again.
And now that I’m fairly confident no one reads this blog anymore, I’ve decided to use it as a sort of journal; a way to reflect on things and find those little joys that might eventually add up to contentment.
So I’m allowing myself to feel hopeful.
I’m allowing myself to accept that this is going to be a slow process with steps forward and steps backward.
I will forgive myself for sinking sometimes.
I won’t let myself depend on other people for my own happiness.
Summer placemat - $1.00 Metal clips - $0.40 Scrap fleece - ? (free) 10 Minutes of labour
Now our sweet rats Critter and Skull (named by a six year old, of course) have a lovely new hammock! Unfortunately, the two ladies have absolutely no interest in it other than to chew it to pieces. We even tries coaxing them in with rewards.....no dice.
I'm not sure why I thought that sprouting would be difficult. I read about sprouting your own alfalfa on a blog last year, by using a sprouting kit. Anything that requires a kit is far too complicated for me. A trip to our local nursery had me taking the plunge and buying a packet of seeds to sprout, knowing I'd have to come home and order one of those frightening "kits".
After doing a little research online, I found that there could be nothing easier than sprouting in your own kitchen! No need for a kit at all. All you need is a mason jar and an old pair of nylons or some cheesecloth.
I've also attempted to sprout some green lentils. I'm not really a fan of lentils and I've heard that sprouted lentils can be a real bitch, digestively speaking. Maybe I'll try to through them in a stir fry or something. YUMMY!!
I'm hoping to send this blog into another direction entirely. I often used to post only for others, but now that my sabbatical has probably dropped 95% of my online linkers I am able to turn everything around.
I've never felt so lost in all my life.
My marriage is broken beyond repair.
I live in a town where I don't know anyone, except my in-laws.
My son is growing up faster than I can chase after him.
My health is lacking. My mental health is sinking.
I'm at a crossroads and I still feel like a teenage who shouldn't have to make these kinds of choices. And while I feel like I am coping with what life is offering to me with as much grace as possible, I've been informed that my front transparent.
Well, I'm trying. I can promise you that I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself. I'm trying not to let my broken heart overwhelm me. I'm trying to parent as a team, when I would rather be speeding off in some direction, alone.
I'm happy to say that I've been accepted for nursing program, which starts in September. I'm still not sure how I'm going to manage, but I have so much support that wont allow me to fail.
I just finished Happiness Sold Separately by Lolly Winston. It was a great story that made me feel thankful for my children, and helped me realize the possibility of one day being content alone. But now I have that sinking feeling of finishing a book that I really loved. I've got a whole pile on my nightstand. I just need to jump into one of them. Maybe a light-hearted one this time.
So, I'm going to attempt a weekly post....reasonable, I think. I will still be posting some links that I find interesting and inspiring, but mostly I want to be honest with you and with myself.
I received a package for Stefani this week! Packed full with some Japanese bits from her travels (I am writhing with jealousy as I type this) and some lovely southern pieces including canned pepper that were quickly devoured by Peter.